saving PRIvate MARK

hey y'all, primark . what a place . Tis amazing . Britain's own cheap wonderland, i regularly take the plunge down the rabbit hole and into that glorious world. and do i find anything i like , do i fuck. but for some reason i still buy stuff . curiouser and curiouser. primark is an ambivalent place to be in, because i might think, "what a wonderful bounty land this is, full of cheap shit, cheap jewellery . look at all the cheap jewellery. I'm in accessories heaven" but at the same time i think " GET ME OUT, shit there's a corpse under this dress, the trampled remain of a working class slapper who needed a ridiculously over sized belt." so these emotions constantly clash when in there, and i can never help feeling that every time i touch a bit of clothing ,"a small Indonesian worker child died to make this 3 pound". which puts me off a little. its a bit like a full scale war has taken place inside Narnia, wonderful yet deadly. imagine having to walk round the war zone that those shop floors are and find Mr Tumlus struggling to breath underneath a heap of sweat pants and skinnys, trust me it ain't a pleasant sight. or having to watch a bloke skin aslan , and then make a 2 quid dressing gown out of his magical fleece. the best thing is when your shopping and some ignorant fool complains about it being too expensive, that's right they say that primark ,the only shop i know of who will happily accept human excrement in place of conventional modes of payment , too expensive. these people are oxygen pilferers me thinks. Or you get folk who treat the experience like a proper military operation, they stand at the entrance ,observe their territory, then delegate.


"you , aisle 3 , sweat pants , GO"


"you, Aisle 11 , cheap suit. GO"


Synchronise benefit money.



on face book ,i saw the most ridiculous thing ever everyone, a competition it twas. it read thus "win a £3000 primark shopping spree".

three grand in primark ... i could buy the whole fucking shop for that, i could easily become the majority shareholder with that prize. I entered this competition and won, i am now the chairman of primark, and I'm not going to lie , it ain't going well. Steve's off sick so I'm buried in paperwork and we got a shipment of 400,000 trainer socks coming in first thing, so the prize wasn't exactly what i expected.
finit'e

klix fix.

KLIX, with over 20,000 of these life saving drinks machines installed in the UK, and over 1 billion delicious beverages consumed world wide klix really are at the top of their albeit slightly shit niche market. i never understood what crazy man could just go

"right you know I'm gonna set up a business based purely on the dispensing of machines that give people pretty bland and unnecessarily hot drinks". but god bless him, cause it worked. and I'm assuming it was a him as they were set up in the 1800 's when the woman would be too busy living inside the machine preparing the drinks for the people on the outside, glad those days are over. in 1957 the suffragettes protest forced klix to replace the now crippled and slightly skitso-frenic woman, with tiny monkeys that prepared the drinks, then in 1978 Greenpeace and the Wildlife federation got those crippled and heavily burnt monkeys out of those machines, they were then replaced with several other species,lizards ,leopards, there was also a brief stint for the owls, unfortunately their tough union system wouldn't allow them to work during the day, which for an all day beverage machine, is bad news. Finally some fool thought this

"hang on everyone, there's no need to hurt more people and animals , we could make the machines automatic" . this man was killed for his views , as soviet Russia had taken over klix and didn't approve of his logical ideas, and frankly they had a shit load of woman and monkeys to get rid off so this system continued. klix didn't do well under the communist banner, mainly because all the drinks were the same, which did sort of make the idea of klix redundant. the company liquidated (see what i did there). However ,in 1994. a conveniently titled man, Mr K.l.IX inherited the rights and sold his own liver just to build the company once more. This meant he could never enjoy the hot beverages his machines dispensed , without collapsing , but he was willing to make that sacrifice. and thus the klix of today was produced, in the future of course klix will all be robotic. and tiny robots will live inside the machine, and liberally dispense beverages, and in 2030 the robot trade union will end up getting these tiny robots out of the machines and eventually a big enough gap between man and robot will be created ,which in turn will lead to the robots rising up against us, in a war bigger than any our world has ever seen. and who would win this war? none other than the discriminated owl. who will inherit the earth and generally be a bit pissed off that they have no way of doing anything, at all , nothing . just flying really. either that or the proficie suggests that every household will have a klix machine , fully robotic. this makes films like bicentennial man look fucking genius cause that robot wanders round and makes drinks, and he can also make tiny wooden structures and eventually houses, so klix have got some re designs to do if they wanna keep people happy... oh wait my original point was gonna be about how, for stupid reason there made to be hotter than lava. dangerous they are , i split one the other day and it was like alien ,it burnt through the floor man.

Fin.

greetings of the seasonal kind, #1

right peeps. so this week Ive been thinking about what that magical thing is, that magical feeling of Christmas, which is annually looming over us. So my first thinking's aponte the subject went thus. Usually Mr crimbo and his seasonal festivities can be summed up by the decorations or the food, the presents ,music or maybe the shared public thought about how usually December means Christmas will happen at some point toward the end.. oh yeah and some shit about a little hippie Kidd who was born in a shed or whatever.( by the way god ,if u are real, thanks for being selfish and organising Christmas around an international economic crisis. twat) .Ive lived my whole life believing these things made and ignited the Christmas fire in the log cabin of my head. however now that is no true as beneath all of that shit ,one thing sparks it all. The Festive Glade plug in air freshener. I came home the other day , to find all the decorations up , and instead of changing immediately into a sexy piece of knitwear, and singing carols with a mince pie in one hand and a turkey dressed as Santa, who in turn was dressed as Jesus,in the other. i walked straight past them. by the time i was in the room , my Christmas senses were in no way provoked . until mother-dearest wapped on the winter vanilla glade. and suddenly i became alive with Christmas joy, i was the epitome of the season. weird. so that's what it is that makes you feel that way people. and i cant help thinking that maybe if,in the film home alone , if Kevin had simply dispersed the contents of a mulled wine spice glade around Joe pesci's nostrils , that he may have thought twice about trying to burgle them. Or if in miracle on 34Th street, if they'd have smeared a ample amount of winter apple and reindeer seamen glade on those crazy fools who attempted to get Chris Kringle arrested for being a pedo, then maybe he would have been spared from all that mean court case business, and also we may have been spared from seeing more acting from that fucking girl who's in Matilda. then i pondered the man himself, the real embodiment of Christmas, some say hes a saint among men , some say he's a perverted millionaire gone to far, other think hes a crazy old paedophile. Personally i think Santa is a little dated as a character , so i thought up my own one. here goes.....the Christmas Glade plug in. he creeps in through the electrical plugs and leaves a variety of sweet smelling candles and plug ins, along as you leave him a wet dog , that he can deodorize. of course , if he got instated then other things would have to change, instead of a conventional tree, we would have a giant magic tree freshener, with smaller magic tree baubles.drawbacks possibly being that spending all that time around humans and only being a household appliance might send the festive freshener mad, and he might start to have bicentennial man Esq questions about humanity, and unfortunately we wouldn't be able to partake in a family meal ,as we would all be thrown into a chemical induced coma, because of our houses being fumigated with festive smells. Merry Christmas Everyone.xxx

freudian driving

This eve, i went to a go carting evening, because i am in fact 11. no it was my dads office kids Christmas party, now I'm embarrassed that i just wrote that but oh well. so yeah we got there , me and papa Bayfield. and i was immediately thrown into the ball Pitt with some quality nerds, who unlike me did not attend the evening merely for the free buffet , selection box and maybe a jaunty amble around ,in a miniature automobile. oh no, they were there because for some ludicrous reason they generally believe that the fucking freezing shed we were all shoved into was silver stone and that the borderline sexual harasser that gave us health and safety talk,was Bernie ecclestone . so you might be able to see why this was the most enjoyable evening for me in a long time. Now I'm not competitive at all. this in my small life has stunted my career choices already. i can now never be an athlete, in advertising, medicine,acting... to sum up i can never have a career. Fuck it ,i shall cross that bridge when i come to it. these fine selection of freaks on the other were so intensely competitive it became fucking ridiculous. they think being good at sport and "winning" things actually makes you a better person. they would run up to the clock thing write down all their times, and discuss how they could shave 0.000000000000001 of a second of if they cut of their ear or shaved their testicles or some other shit. then they would look upon me in a weird way if i didn't give a shit about how one of them overtook me , and when i reeled of a quality fact about how in bicentennial man robin Williams actually wore that robot suit for the entire film shoot. they looked at me as if i had just walked in produced a firearm and con -sprayed their pets brains over the wall. It left me wondering what terrible creatures were capable of creating nie spawning such monsters.... then their fathers walked in . followed by there dubiously silenced trophy wives, the dads also loved being competitive. and this manifested itself in even more extraordinary ways . the kids Christmas party turned from, colourful, chocolate candy, prizes and foam into a bloody, Sweat drenched, bastard filled cock fight, Which is ironic considering that these awful men wee obviously using these go karts to make up for a loss in another department. it even got so out of hand that i saw one father shunt his own 10 year old child into a wall , so he could overtake. that's right i saw a dad watch his nippers face, as it fell to fear and he lost control of the wheel, and with his kart now engulfed in a fireball.the charred , featureless remains of his sons favourite teddy bear landed in his penis-less lap. but at least, he shaved 0.000000002 of a second from that shaky 3rd lap. Till next time.
jonnie
xx

Woolworths becomes christian aid camp

Now maybe that title produces certain assumptions which are not true,however when i was in there yesterday, i certainly felt the erg to start handing out blankets and dispensing out woolly hats, liberally knitted by the WI, because that place; in the space of one week ,has gone from being a vast consumerist caesium, to the most terrifying, hysterical place the world has ever seen. All because you can now buy a plastic wine bottle filled with even tinyer chocolate shaped wine bottles , for half the price. And god bless the British public is what i say. Many a time I've found myself pining for tiny chocolate wine bottles, and I'm sure these tiny confection treats come in handy when attempting to kick alcoholism. so i would assume that the AA were parading the ailses picking up every piece of confection or trinket that was remotely reminiscent of whisky bottle or beer can. But that's whats so endearing.
before stuff were cheap right, Woolworth's was shit. they constantly seem to sell nothing worth purchasing, and i don't know weather I'm being pedantic, but that's a bit of a handicap for a shop.
but you can always rely apont the British public to proverbially and literally pounce on a sale , and we truly have. this time of economic downturn bullshit, hasn't made us depressed at all , if anything its brought us together as a nation, That's rare. that unity is only ever seen when either a paedophile is on the run, or in power cuts. the power cut being my favourite ,the only time i ever see my family nowadays, is when all electrical appliances shutdown. and even then all we talk about is when the TV will be back running its 67 hour a day shift. So yeah back on the point, I think i speak for us all when i say , Woolworth's once this sale ends...you can fuck off , and the public will sit on top of our giant thrones made out of novelty Christmas confectionery and wait ,buy some time before the next institution crumbles to the 60% sale, and then as a pack we shall use those shop floors like the gladiators did the Colosseum , Battling my way to the till i will be , with my Cheap set of coasters shaped like burgers in one hand and a copy of bicentennial man in the other. Bring it on.
xx
Jonnie