freudian driving

This eve, i went to a go carting evening, because i am in fact 11. no it was my dads office kids Christmas party, now I'm embarrassed that i just wrote that but oh well. so yeah we got there , me and papa Bayfield. and i was immediately thrown into the ball Pitt with some quality nerds, who unlike me did not attend the evening merely for the free buffet , selection box and maybe a jaunty amble around ,in a miniature automobile. oh no, they were there because for some ludicrous reason they generally believe that the fucking freezing shed we were all shoved into was silver stone and that the borderline sexual harasser that gave us health and safety talk,was Bernie ecclestone . so you might be able to see why this was the most enjoyable evening for me in a long time. Now I'm not competitive at all. this in my small life has stunted my career choices already. i can now never be an athlete, in advertising, medicine,acting... to sum up i can never have a career. Fuck it ,i shall cross that bridge when i come to it. these fine selection of freaks on the other were so intensely competitive it became fucking ridiculous. they think being good at sport and "winning" things actually makes you a better person. they would run up to the clock thing write down all their times, and discuss how they could shave 0.000000000000001 of a second of if they cut of their ear or shaved their testicles or some other shit. then they would look upon me in a weird way if i didn't give a shit about how one of them overtook me , and when i reeled of a quality fact about how in bicentennial man robin Williams actually wore that robot suit for the entire film shoot. they looked at me as if i had just walked in produced a firearm and con -sprayed their pets brains over the wall. It left me wondering what terrible creatures were capable of creating nie spawning such monsters.... then their fathers walked in . followed by there dubiously silenced trophy wives, the dads also loved being competitive. and this manifested itself in even more extraordinary ways . the kids Christmas party turned from, colourful, chocolate candy, prizes and foam into a bloody, Sweat drenched, bastard filled cock fight, Which is ironic considering that these awful men wee obviously using these go karts to make up for a loss in another department. it even got so out of hand that i saw one father shunt his own 10 year old child into a wall , so he could overtake. that's right i saw a dad watch his nippers face, as it fell to fear and he lost control of the wheel, and with his kart now engulfed in a fireball.the charred , featureless remains of his sons favourite teddy bear landed in his penis-less lap. but at least, he shaved 0.000000002 of a second from that shaky 3rd lap. Till next time.
jonnie
xx

Woolworths becomes christian aid camp

Now maybe that title produces certain assumptions which are not true,however when i was in there yesterday, i certainly felt the erg to start handing out blankets and dispensing out woolly hats, liberally knitted by the WI, because that place; in the space of one week ,has gone from being a vast consumerist caesium, to the most terrifying, hysterical place the world has ever seen. All because you can now buy a plastic wine bottle filled with even tinyer chocolate shaped wine bottles , for half the price. And god bless the British public is what i say. Many a time I've found myself pining for tiny chocolate wine bottles, and I'm sure these tiny confection treats come in handy when attempting to kick alcoholism. so i would assume that the AA were parading the ailses picking up every piece of confection or trinket that was remotely reminiscent of whisky bottle or beer can. But that's whats so endearing.
before stuff were cheap right, Woolworth's was shit. they constantly seem to sell nothing worth purchasing, and i don't know weather I'm being pedantic, but that's a bit of a handicap for a shop.
but you can always rely apont the British public to proverbially and literally pounce on a sale , and we truly have. this time of economic downturn bullshit, hasn't made us depressed at all , if anything its brought us together as a nation, That's rare. that unity is only ever seen when either a paedophile is on the run, or in power cuts. the power cut being my favourite ,the only time i ever see my family nowadays, is when all electrical appliances shutdown. and even then all we talk about is when the TV will be back running its 67 hour a day shift. So yeah back on the point, I think i speak for us all when i say , Woolworth's once this sale ends...you can fuck off , and the public will sit on top of our giant thrones made out of novelty Christmas confectionery and wait ,buy some time before the next institution crumbles to the 60% sale, and then as a pack we shall use those shop floors like the gladiators did the Colosseum , Battling my way to the till i will be , with my Cheap set of coasters shaped like burgers in one hand and a copy of bicentennial man in the other. Bring it on.
xx
Jonnie